Well, Thursdays are Open House day...
and on Fridays we do happy hour after work.
- Do we get paid for that? - [Laughs] No!
It's an opportunity to get to know your coworkers better.
Mm. Pass.
Oh, that is why I hired you.
You are always negotiating.
And now we can be a team instead of competitors.
Oh, like those chipmunks. I am Alvin.
Okay.
Here is the first property I need you to sell.
A condo?
Ashley, give me something good. I can sell anything.
Well, if you want a challenge...
the Allen house.
[Man Whistles] The Allen house.
No one ever goes in. No one ever comes out.
Well, that makes sense if no one ever goes in.
We've had the Allen house on the market for years...
and nobody's been able to sell it.
- It has a rodent problem. - It's pet-friendly.
- The roof has a hole. - Skylight.
- There was a brutal murder there. - So statistically, another murder is unlikely.
Okay, great.
Here you go. The address is 44 West 44th Street.
Oh, hell no!
- What's wrong? - Well, in the Chinese culture, the number four is bad luck...
on account of it's pronounced "si," which sounds like the Chinese word for death..."siuh."
The garbage man is right.
Promote him... to garbage boss.
♪♪[Woman Vocalizing]
[Man Rapping] ♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat ♪
♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm go ♪
♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪♪
Ripped By mstoll
Can you please come in here?
I don't want to be in the same room as that flier.
[Adult Eddie] My mom wasn't trying to be around any bad luck.
That's why she banned all the number fours in the house.
What time is it?
[Emery] Quarter to "h."
- It's just Forbes magazine. - It's too close.
Yay! I'm three!
- I'm second three! - [Noisemaker Toots]
[Emery] Fours aren't so bad. There's four Ninja Turtles.
You mean those karate frogs who eat pizza in a sewer?
- That seems bad. - Emery, don't even try.
Mom is crazy superstitious.
You know that Stevie Wonder song, "Superstition"?
She won't listen to it because she thinks that's what made him blind.
I am not crazy superstitious.
You know who's crazy superstitious? Grandma.
She won't face north. She thinks jade wards off evil spirits.
And have you seen her room?
[Woman] ♪ My John Wayne ♪
- ♪ Where is my prairie song ♪ - Hmm.
[Speaking Mandarin]
You have to be patient with Grandma.
Every generation gets less and less superstitious...
just like how they get less and less racist.
Well, me avoiding that number has kept this family protected.
Sure, but didn't you tell your boss you can sell anything?
Yes, but it's not about my ability...
Besides, the extra money wouldn't hurt.
The restaurant's been a little slow lately...
so I was thinking about getting a mechanical bull...
to steer in the crowds.
- Did you get it? - Yes. It's hilarious.
- I don't have to laugh to think it's funny. - Oh, okay.
[School Bell Ringing]
Who wants the latest 2Pac?
Dubbed straight from the radio. Five bucks makes it happen.
- I'll give you three. - Yo, is this a farmers market?
Am I selling squash? Get outta here, haggle-puss!
Are you selling bootleg CDs?
You know I was.
You didn't lie to me. I like that.
Eddie Huang, right?
You're that new teacher with the ponytail.
Ray. Yeah, they... they make me put it back.
And I'm not a teacher. I'm a counselor.
Friendship is my curriculum.
Does that mean I'm not gonna get detention?
Eddie, I'm not about punishment.
But I am about you channeling that hustle into something more positive...
like student council.
- You'll get one free period every day. - Really?
And you'll get to show celebrity visitors around the school.
Like Shaq.
Well, I was gonna say McGruff...
or the Helping Hand from Hamburger Helper.
But if Shaq visits, uh, sure.
[Gasps]
Think about it, Eddie.
Look into your third eye.
My... butt hole?
No! No. No-No.
No-No. No, no. No.
Uh, it's like an inner peace thing.
You know what? It's cool. Just... forget it.
This is so big. How many bedrooms?
[Jessica] Between three and five!
[Man] Are you going to come inside?
No. I'm good here. I don't want to crowd you.
Oh, thank you. I really appreciate your laid-back attitude.
[Sighs] I have to go yell through the back window.
Don't go inside that house.
We don't want the bad energy to get on us, especially you, Eddie.
Don't forget to check out the spacious walk-in closets!
So, you really gonna run for class president?
Yeah, man. Shaq and a free period?
Which I've already started calling "Naps 101."
[Laughing] Naps 101!
- Like Dalmatians, but with naps! - I think you've got a good shot.
You got an everyman's husky build...
and a middle-class background, so people can relate to you.
Man, people don't think about that.
All they care about is a cool slogan.
And I got a dope one.
Oh, God! Naps 101!
Oh, man, you killed me with that, Eddie.
I'm starting to think about it.
Here I go again.
[Laughing]
"This Hu-wang can make it right?"
It's pronounced "wong." And it's a play on "wrong."
All day with this.
[Boy] Cool. Chocolate dreidels.
Phillip Goldstein for president!
Choose the chosen one!
Play a free game of Street Fighter and vote for Brock.
Don't leave your ballot Blanka.
- [Trent] Vote for Trent! - [Children Gasp]
Scottie Pippen?
My dad is his accountant.
Who wants a free pair of Airs?
- Air Jordans? - No, man.
I got something even better.
Air Pippens.
- Andrew wants those. - What? I do not!
Mom, I don't wanna eat. Eating is lame.
- Sounds like you got a big appetite for fun! - [Louis] Finnegan.
Which is why here at the Golden Saddle...
we just opened up our Kids Corral!
[Louis] I hate this guy.
We have all the latest games...
like Shuffle Puck...
and Water Squirt!
Water Squirt.
So bring the whole family down to the Golden Saddle.
[Whip Cracks]
'Cause just like the food, the fun is well done.
[Whip Cracks]
God, the budget on this thing must have been insane.
Louis?
- [Door Closes] - I sold it.
I sold the Allen house! [Squeals]
Congratulations! I knew you could do it!
Ashley Alexander bought me a bottle of champagne to celebrate.
- Mmm. - I took it back to the liquor store...
bought nine Snickers and a Crystal Pepsi.
- Oh. - I'm seeing you through a Pepsi.
- What a day! - I told you there was nothing to worry about.
- I already got my commission check. - Great.
We can get that mechanical bull ASAP and crush the Kid Corral.
- I'm gonna treat myself to a pedicure done by a white lady. - Oh.
- That's when you know you've made it. - Mm-hmm.
[Whispers] Oh, no. Oh, my God.
- I know. Taxes, right? - No. Look at this check number.
No. No, no, no. Don't... Don't look at that check number.
Look at all the other numbers. Look at the ones after the dollar sign.
No. The bad luck followed me.
Louis, we can't keep this money.
- Yes, we can. We totally can. - No, we can't! It's tainted!
If we keep this, something bad is gonna happen to our family.
Please. We need to get rid of this.
Okay. If that's what you really believe, I'll support you.
[Jessica Exhales] This is for the best.
Mm-hmm. For the best.
Hello. I'd like to cash this check, please.
Oh. Is this your grandson?
Granddaughter.
- I'm sorry, sir. - Ma'am.
Hello. I'd like to cash this check, please.
Ma'am?
Ma'am.
Everyone...
meet Romeo.
I wish I could. Right, girls?
[Scoffs] You don't always have to be on, Vanessa.
Check this out.
[Electronic Voice] Moo.
Uh, that's kinda scary.
Don't be silly. This is how we're gonna compete with Golden Saddle's Kid Corral.
They may have Water Squirt, but we have eight seconds of glory.
I had eight seconds of glory last night. Right, girls?
It's the morning, Vanessa. Please, just stop it.
Oh. Hey, Louis?
- Your family's here. - What? We gotta hide Romeo.
Quick, cover him up and don't mention him to Jessica.
All right. Um, here, get that tablecloth.
She doesn't know? But she comes in all the time. What is your long-term plan?
Well, what's your long-term plan, Nancy?
You know I wanna hire a detective to find my real mother!
I... [Chuckles]
Hey! What are you guys doing here?
Well, I have three open houses today...
so I was hoping you could look after the boys this afternoon.
Absolutely. No problem.
Thank you for being so understanding about that commission check.
- Aw. - Tonight, I'm going to make your favorite pork bone stew.
- I wish I... - Don't.
Whatever you're about to say, I'm sure it's hilarious.
[Chuckles]
People didn't like your slogan. That doesn't mean you still can't win.
I'm up against Street Fighter and chocolate tops.
I'll be lucky if I even beat the Scottie Pippen kid.
- Evan, do you need to go pee? - No.
Yes, but peeing is so boring, and I don't want to miss anything.
Nothing's gonna happen.
Booming onion, Mr. President?
Dad, there's no way I'm gonna win.
Well, win or lose, we're putting it on your college application...
because you literally have nothing.
It's just, "was born, likes lunch, ran for president."
Do you think it'd be gross to dip this in clam chowder?
I'm-a find out.
- [Groans] - [Romeo] Moo.
I take a boring pee-pee, and I miss everything.
This is Grandma falling out of her wheelchair all over again.
What are you complaining about? I'm the one who broke my arm.
I'm never missing anything again.
Evan, see how long you can cover your ears.
Okay.
Hey, boys, we can't let Mom know...
Eddie tripped over the cord of the mechanical bull and broke his arm.
I didn't tell her I bought it, and if she finds out, she'll be very upset.
- But why didn't you tell her? - Because she's crazy superstitious.
She's gonna think this is related to the Allen house, which it's not.
So... you're telling us to lie.
Well, sometimes a little white lie is okay, if it's for a greater good.
For example, your mom has those jeans with the zipper that's six inches long.
Do I tell her it looks like her body's half crotch?
No. I say, "Beautiful blue jeans, honey."
The truth would be unnecessary and hurtful.
We just passed the corner where my friend J.J. Almost got into that guy's van.
And then he tripped on a rug and fell.
Yeah, a little white rug.
[Chuckles] Emery, go to your room.
- [Clears Throat] - Well, you are lucky you only broke your left arm.
You can still do your homework.
Imagine what he would have broken if we had cashed that check.
- His head! - Hmm.
I'll go get some white flower oil. Speed up the healing process.
Beautiful blue jeans, Mom!
Oh, nice touch, Eddie. See? A little white lie never hurt anyone.
So we all ate chocolate dreidels while Phillip cleared up his stance on Santa.
He's for him.
Hmm.
- Hey, what happened to your arm? - I tripped on a rug.
Huh. Anyway, so I was so amped up on chocolate...
that I ran through Scottie Pippen's legs, like, five times.
I am definitely voting for Trent.
- [Man] ♪ Yeah ♪ - It's just...
when you're throwing so many punches, it's easy to lose your balance.
- Whoa. - Wait. What happened?
Well...
When I came to, five high school kids were trying to steal...
our Street Fighter machine.
- Then what happened? - Well, when I came to again...
they were giving our mascot, Loggy, an Indian burn.
Which is especially bad for a log. Then what happened?
When our Street Fighter game and Loggy's honor are on the line...
I got no problem taking on 16 kids.
That's when I pulled out my dad's machete.
It grazed my arm, but I recovered.
'Cause I'm Eddie Huang, and I'm your Street Fighter!
[Cheering]
♪♪[Rap]
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ It's just me, myself, and I ♪
♪ It's just me, myself... ♪♪
- ♪♪[Ends] - Hail to the chief, y'all.
Say hello to the new sixth-grade president.
I'm the Abe Lincoln of Abe Lincoln Middle School.
Oh!
Looks like our good luck continues.
- Sure does. - [Doorbell Rings]
- Can I help you? - Mrs. Parker from Child Services.
I'm here to investigate possible parental neglect in the home.
Oh, you want that kid down the street... Dave.
He always has a Kool-Aid mustache.
Nobody's wiping his face.
We're concerned about an injury your son sustained.
A school employee didn't believe Eddie's story about how he broke his arm...
and it raised a red flag.
Sorry I'm late.
The sun was peeking through the clouds, and it was so beautiful...
I had to stop.
I'm sorry. I still don't understand why Child Services was called.
Before we get into it, I just wanna say that this...
is a safe zone.
And that's why I brought...
the Share Clam.
If I pass it to you, share how you're feeling.
We're hearing conflicting reports about how Eddie broke his arm.
First, he said he tripped. Then he got into a fight with a bunch of kids.
Then he had his dad's machete.
[Louis] Machete? I don't have a machete.
- That's a jungle weapon. - Eddie, why are you making up all these crazy stories?
Well, Dad said it was okay to tell a lie if it was for good.
It was the only way I could win the election.
I said a little white lie, not this.
Now tell these nice people the truth about how you broke your arm.
Eddie.
You were at Cattleman's and you tripped...
On the cord to the new mechanical bull.
[Whispering] No, I meant the other truth. The rug truth.
- But that's a lie too. - You're killing me, man.
- What mechanical bull? - Dad didn't want you to know about it.
- Louis! - Okay, clearly this has been a misunderstanding.
One of five this month, Ray.
Sometimes a kid throws up.
It doesn't mean they're getting poisoned.
Twice though? Two throw-ups? No way.
Wait a minute. Where did you get the money to buy a mechanical bull?
- [Toilet Flushes] - [Door Opens]
Who are these people?
What on earth did I miss?
Okay, so I grounded Eddie, told him it wasn't okay to lie under any circumstances.
Who's gonna ground you, Louis? You're the one who told him it was okay to lie.
For a good reason. To help the restaurant, which helps our family.
It was crazy to rip up that check just because it had fours on it.
Oh, it was crazy, huh?
Look at all this bad luck we've had since you cashed that check!
Two woman detectives show up, we're fighting, Eddie broke his arm!
Those are just random coincidences.
His forearm? I don't think so.
[Sighs] Look, Jessica...
sometimes bad things just happen and there's no explanation for it.
[Sighs]
Okay, fine.
If you think superstitions are nonsense, take off your jade necklace.
My necklace?
But I've worn this since I was born.
It's like a birthmark on a chain. And this has nothing to do with superstition.
Well, then it should be no problem to take it off.
Okay. I'll take it off. [Chuckles]
- Just a necklace. - Mm-hmm.
Not a big deal.
- [Gulps] - [Clock Ticking]
[Louis Thinking] Why is that so loud?
It's hot in here.
[Echoes] Wait. Now it's cold.
[Crying] What's happening to me?
[Grunting]
Why am I so-
[Exhales, Chuckles]
[Hisses] G-Give me my jade! Give me my jade!
- Okay. - [Gasping]
Whoo! Oh!
Okay, fine.
I guess superstition is real if you believe in it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I told Eddie to lie.
- I'll get rid of the bull. - We're gonna have to do a lot more than that.
We've invited bad luck into our home.
It's on us. It's on the kids.
[Sighs] I don't know how to fix it.
I know who does.
Mom, we need to talk to you.
[Speaking Mandarin]
[Door Closes]
Uh, sorry, Mom. We just really needed to talk to you.
We have invited bad luck into our home...
and we need you to get rid of it.
How did you know?
Oh.
[High-pitched Voice] "Give me my jade! Give me my jade!"
[School Bell Rings]
Hey, Eddie.
- Any fallout from that whole emotional jam session? - What?
- How are you feeling? - Oh. Well, my parents grounded me for lying.
At least I'm still president.
And I'm psyched for the free period.
- Naps 101! - Yeah, about that.
Apparently that free period is actually...
a "go to the principal's office and lick envelopes" period.
- What? - Budget cuts.
They need the student body to pitch in.
I thought this job was gonna be all about naps and Shaq.
Maybe he'd playfully put me on his shoulders...
or let me stick both of my feet into one of his shoes.
- I don't know. - Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
I'm new here. Apparently this place sucks.
I guess it's just our bad luck.
[Whispers] Bad luck.
[Chanting In Mandarin]
[Adult Eddie Narrating] So Grandma went into the zodiac books...
called up some aunties and performed a ritual to take away our bad luck.
[Whispers] Is this gonna work?
[Whispers] Shh! Let her concentrate!
Wow. These people have some crazy traditions, right?
Bananas. Oh!
[Scoffs] Raining salt? Too bad it's not raining men!
- [Groans] - Right, girls?
Why'd you make us buy all those Garfield mugs for the ceremony? You didn't even use them.
Well, I'm glad we all got through that as a family.
- And now we can put this chapter behind... - You are still grounded.
[Sighs] You hard, woman!
Eddie, don't call your mother "woman."
Garfield should have a mug that says "Naps 101." [Giggles]
So, your company's set up in Delaware...
but you live in Florida.
- [Ball Bounces] - The tax man can't touch you.
[Sighs] That's great.
You know, I'm always looking for a loophole. Breakaway!
[Laughs] I did it!
I scored on Scottie Pippen.
I was giving you tax advice, bro.
[Grunts]
It's not Shaq's shoe...
but I guess it'll do.
Y'all are a rude-ass family.
Scottie? Mr. Pippen!
Mr. Pippen! Mr. Pippen!
[Sighs] I gotta stop drinking water.
I think that's a good idea.
[Man] Hmm.
Ripped By mstoll